he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Randomize
