So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
