I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
