Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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