A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He better not be in your backpack
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
