sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
