I'm eating all of the evidence.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
