You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
