Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
