and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
