My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
