I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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