I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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