My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
