it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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