Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
