this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
