I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss