Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
A+ Viking dick
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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