Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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