Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
