There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
