im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
