I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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