i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
