I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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