i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Just puked most of my soul out..
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
