Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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