he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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