It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
