I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
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I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
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I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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