The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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