i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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