I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
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Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
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Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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