Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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