I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
