I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
