I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
