When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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