I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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