it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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