Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Randomize
