How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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