Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
