I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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