In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
