No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
