when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
