im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
So apparently I’m into choking now
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
