my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
