Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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