someone owes me an orgasm
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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