He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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