really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
