I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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