did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
