I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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