Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
