Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
