i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
