I wish I could punch you in the face.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
