she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging