p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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