Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
